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When Someone Else Carries Your Baby

Submitted by Danny G., Seattle, WA

Fertility treatment has a way of taking things away from you in small steps. Sometimes it starts with something horrible, like cancer, sometimes it starts more slowly. But over a period of time that is usually double or triple what you were expecting, your situation becomes more complex as these small little problems with huge consequences pop up. Long story short- Let's just say that we had to find a surrogate to have a baby.

Looking for a surrogate was a process that both my wife and I were sceptical about. A lot of questions were going through our head:

How will we make it through a difficult nine-month process with a person we barely know?

How do we discuss this with our children when they are old enough to ask?

And finally, how can we be sure that we would get the child(ren) in the end?

We had been working with a surrogacy agency for about a year when we finally received a call that there was someone to interview. We didn't know what to expect from the interview, but as usual we braced ourselves for the worst. What we found was not what we expected though.

The surrogate was a very nice, easy going, and generally happy person. What was more important to us though was that she had done this before. Just a few years earlier she had twins for another couple. When we asked her why she would do such a thing she said that she had easy pregnancies and that she didn't want any more children of her own. She didn't mind having children for people who REALLY wanted them. We really liked this woman.

As I stated before, fertility treatment is not an easy process. Our first embryo transfer didn't work and neither did the second. It was a year since we met our surrogate and after every failure we were afraid that she would leave us and find a more fertile couple. She was not interested in that though, she could see that we were suffering and made it her personal mission to give us a baby.

The third time was a charm. We were finally pregnant. For nine months the surrogate had a very good pregnancy considering she was carrying twins again. Labor was a different story, she had a really hard time when one of the babies came out breech. She had to spend a week in the hospital. When we headed home with the babies there was a lot of crying and thank yous. We took a few pictures together.

The funniest thing about this process was that when we were still looking for someone to carry our children we made a decision that we did not want to have any contact with her after the children were born. What we realized when we left is that we could not imagine life without her.

I know it doesn't always work out so well in the world of surrogacy or fertility treatment and there are a lot of sad stories out there, but take heart! Things can work out. They did for us.

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