Before I watch another episode of ‘Dora the Explorer’ I want to offer some suggestions for the heroine. Its not that I think you’re stupid, I just think that you choose not to learn from your experiences. As an explorer, using travel as a learning tool is your number one job. The things I propose aren’t rocket science, just tips that you can use every day to make your travels a little less painful for all of us.
10. Get a new Backpack
Someone’s got to say it, your current backpack is as defective as luggage can get. First of all, its your backpack and you can’t even look inside; you make us do it. Secondly, after we get what you need from the backpack, the stupid thing eats the rest of the stuff – EATS IT! I’d try to return it.
9. Get a new Nav System (Map)
Your Map has an extremely large ego. If a map or navigation system I owned sang a 30 second song about what it was every time I opened it, I would throw it at the manufacturer. Why don’t you get a good GPS which is a lot quieter and can probably get you where you’re going just as effectively.
8. Call the cops on Swiper
I don’t know why you tolerate that kleptomaniac. He always throws stuff you need away. Here’s an idea: get a cell phone and call the cops! They will arrest him and you can go about exploring unhindered.
7. Follow the path
The place you’re trying to go to is always down the path you’re on. Always!
6. Stop asking for Help
Learn to do things for yourself. We have to look into your backpack, read your map, and say things three times to get your friends to do stuff. We’re tired, do it yourself.
5. Travel with the Band
The tiny mariachi band always makes it to the places you’re going to without problems. Quit screwing around and just follow them.
4. Stop Talking
If you would shut up and walk this would be a 15 minute show and we would all think higher of you.
3. Report your Parents
Obviously they don’t know what you’re up to or they would put a stop to it. You’re too young to be an explorer. If they do know what you’re up to and depend on a monkey wearing boots to keep you safe then they are further proof that an IQ test should be a prerequisite for parenting.
2. Hurry, hurry, hurry
If we say “Hurry, hurry, hurry” would it make you shut up and walk? Because we’re willing to do that.
1. Look Behind You!
The things and places you are looking for are always behind you. At least take a peek over your shoulder before you ask us where something is. When you make us click on things that are obvious, it demeans us both.